Ask Poops, Please

Putting my two cents in.

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Location: Belmont, New Hampshire, United States

Born and bred in a small New England town, I am convinced that I know something about everything, and that my opinion matters. If only to me. Well, you'll see what I mean. And I love to knit, so you'll see what kind of things I'm doing when I should be vacuuming the living room.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

A Kinder, Gentler World

There was a time in the not-so-distant past when grace and gentility ruled the land. A time when the Modern Housewife pored over her cookbooks and planned menus with loving care. She considered carefully the dietary needs of her loved ones and showed her devotion to her family with new and delicious ways to serve them.

Except for those dull stepchildren.

"Fruits of the devil's very loins, those children. Their mother was a no-good drunk, you know. In fact, I ran into Mrs. Eckmann down at Don's Stairway to Beauty on Seventh, and she said that the only reason my husband Frank married that woman in the first place was because she was *whispers* in a family way. Of course Ellen's not his. Just look at that overbite and the vague look she always has. What can you expect of such poor breeding. But my Frank, he gave the child a name, poor thing. No, Alma, I know it's not charitable to speak of such things, even if it is the God's honest truth." *crosses self*

Luckily for the average Alaskan housewife of 1959, havens of gracious living were simply everywhere. The lower 48 has nothing on Anchorage's own Don's Stairway to Beauty (where a beautiful cook could make regular appointments), Eckmann's Furniture and Draperies (to purchase from a wonderful selection of SERVING ACCESSORIES to complement her culinary masterpieces), and of course fresh flowers from Barb's Florists. They wrote the damn book on gracious living.

I'm personally impressed by Market Basket Foods. Here's a selling point for you: "Where You Shop in Wide-Aisled Comfort." No need for the sylphlike matrons of Anchorage to squeeze past any fat-assed Eskimos in the Market Basket.

Curiously, I didn't find one recipe in the entire Favorite Recipes from Alaska (published by the Catholic Ladies' Altar Society of Anchorage, Alaska, praise God) for muktuk, either. No, just standard Alaskan fare like Cheeseburger Pie, Carrot and Pineapple Salad, and Soda Cracker Pie. Go figure.

"Oh, and Alma, as the coordinator of the hors d'oeuvres committee for the Friday Night Fish Fry and Rosary Social, can I persuade you to bring some of those delightful Hot Mayonnaise Puffs you made for the Whist Drive last April. Me? I'm making Mustard Pickle and Peanut Butter Wafers. Trust me, Alma. After your third Manhattan, they're delicious."

Praise God.


Blogger Kaye said...

Ha ha! Snow White Cleaners still exists!!!

Were those ladies affiliated with Holy Family Cathedral?

8:45 AM  
Blogger Poops said...

It doesn't say, but there is an ad in the back for the "Little Flower Gift Shop" (Your Catholic Religious Store) that was owned and operated by Holy Family Parish. It was on H Street in 1959.

8:27 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi Poops; Just returned from PA and a visit with my "dull stepchildren"(love that line)to find your latest installments. By the way, you're officially off the hook regarding any appetizer contributions this Thanksgiving. Sadly, I lost most of my weird propaganda cookbooks in the "Great White Oaks Road Conflagration". However, I may have salvaged a few that I would be delighted to add to your long as you promise not to actually make anything contained within the pages. Those recipes are ticking time bombs. Love; Auntie Meal

8:11 AM  

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