Pants on Fire

What with all the lies?

Toyota: "There's nothing wrong with your brakes. Okay, well the gas pedal sticks sometimes. Well, more than sometimes. We're working on it. Here, have some new floor mats. That'll fix you right up. What? No? Hell, recall 'em all. But the Prius is fine. Who's on the phone? Steve Wozniak? The guy from Dancing With the Stars? Oh, and Apple computers, gotcha. Get rid of him. Well, what do you mean he might be right about the problem with the computer system. Okay, sometimes it makes the headlights turn off by themselves. But that's all. And there might be some acceleration issues. But that's it. Damn..."

John Edwards: "I did not have an affair with that woman. That there's my campaign worker's girlfriend. Why no it's not at all suspicious that she lives with him and his wife and children. Lots of married guys have their pregnant mistresses live with their family. Baby? What baby? Let me see that picture. Well, I don't know WHO that is. DNA? Love to take a test. She did what? He said what...WHAT BOOK? 20/2o? Tell George Stephanopolous I'm not here. Okay, well it seem that it i my baby but I didn't really lie about it. Much. Damn..."

Bob the Roofer: "I'll be there in two weeks. June. July. August. I got hurt. You're next on my list. I'll be there next week. What's this envelope from the District Court? She's suing me in small claims court? And I have to pay what I stole from her plus the court fees? Damn..."

Don't pee on my leg and tell me it's raining.

Toys

When your house looks like Toys-R-Us exploded on any given day, it stands to reason that from time to time you might notice something about said toys.

Today Dave and I were working on his hand/eye coordination by stacking wooden blocks. I was showing him the letters and pictures on the sides. "That's an M, for Mama. That's a bee! B...B... Bee!" Then I got to this one. What in hell is this supposed to be?

The closest I can think of is two candles in a candleholder. It doesn't make much sense, but if you turn it different directions it makes even less sense. "P...P...Podracer." You must train the padawan young, you know.

This is the other one that made me go "Huh?" I get that it's a house, but if that's a stovepipe coming out the side of it, how big is the stove inside? What purpose did sticking that pipe on there make artistically? Is it not still a house with no chimney? Would it have looked too much like a crayon wearing a pocket protector?

*shrugs*

I've also finally taken notice of the differences between New Barbie and Old Barbie.

Some feminists got all het up because Barbie is a completely unrealistic body image for little girls. Now, I don't know about you, but in all my many years of Barbie-playing I never once thought, "Gee, my life would be complete if only I could look just like Barbie."

Au contraire. I discovered at an early age what I imagine fashion designers throughout the ages have: clothing looks better when the model is shaped like a coat hanger.

If it wasn't for Barbie's tightly honed waist and giant blouse bunnies I might never have understood either the concept or the execution of a well-placed dart.

But for those of you who haven't had the chance (because ostenstiably you don't have a Naked Barbie Orgy in your bathroom every day), check out the changes.

First of all, her head got bigger and her features are slightly more pronounced. She looks a bit older and a bit sluttier, I think. She's also less pink, which you might notice in the rest of pics. I attribute that to her years as an airline hostess. Too many nip bottles of vodka at 40,000 feet. Though if you had plastic businessmen groping you all day long when all you wanted to do was to hop into your pink Mustang, speed back to the Townhouse and slip into a nice hot tub, you'd be hitting the Stolis too. Not to mention the fact that if Ken had stepped up and made an honest woman out of her she wouldn't have to be schlepping drinks on the red-eye from Columbus in the first place. But she tries not to be bitter because that just causes lines, and let's face it: Botox can get pricey.

That's NB on the left, and OB on the right in case you're keeping score.

Second, her rack got smaller. Not a lot, but her back got wider in proportion. I bet she has a easier time buying bras now. (NB on the right this time, OB on the left...)

Third, I'm impressed with her waist. I like the bit of definition in the abs and the belly button. It makes up for her inabilty to do the Twist.

Check out her ass! That's a fine badonkadonk Barboo is rockin' these days! Honestly, you could bounce a quarter off it! If I stare at this picture long enough I swear it moves. Tell me that's not enough ass to get Ken to sit up and take notice. (Though I'm pretty sure Barbie gave up on Ken years ago and has been letting G.I. Joe hit that behind the dumpster at Stuckey's.)

Okay, her feet KILL me. I always loved how smokin' Barbie looked in high heels. I loved that she walked tippy toe when she was barefoot. I didn't even mind that she couldn't keep a pair of sneakers on. Now she' s got feet like a lumberjack. She's shopping for shoes in the tranny section. You can paint those piggies any color you want, those are some heinous looking Sasquatches.

That's all I have to say about Barbie. Other than you can't mix and match Barbie fashion anymore. New Barbie's too fat for Old Barbie's clothes. What message does THAT send? "I don't want to play with Fat Barbie! None of the clothes fit her and she has to wear G.I. Joe's combat boots!"

In other toy news, Dave got a new bike yesterday! In an ongoing effort to improve his musculature, his trainer Deb brought him this sweet ride-on. He's walking most of the time now and is steadier every day which is as always a mixed blessing. You know when they're just sitting in one place like a piece of furniture you don't have to chase them. Not to mention his ability and inclination to touch EVERYTHING. And if it makes a banging noise....sweet!

Please excuse his cruddy face. He had just finished his sister's Cocoa Puffs and they leave a residue. The wet shirt is from the constant drooling. Still working on one more canine tooth. I wonder how he doesn't dehydrate, honestly.

See that box in the rocking chair? Is it full of yet more children's toys? Nay nay. That's FULL of my Christmas yarn! Which counts as toys for me, and brings me up to my last item.

A new pair of pink and brown mittens for the shop. Unblocked as yet so this is just sneak peek. I need to talk my hand model into a photo shoot soon so that I can list a bunch of fingerless mittens and such in the etsy shop.

See, it might be a long lag between posts, but it's not like I'm not thinking thingish things.

Tree Fail

In the spirit of Advent, this year I decided we would wait until the last Sunday of Advent to put up our Christmas tree. Admittedly, half of it was wanting to keep Advent separate from Christmas, thus keeping our religious celebration of the Nativity of the Lord separate from the consumer-driven extravaganza that runs amok from Thanksgiving to the 25th. The other half, however has to do with the fact that I hate putting up the tree. Though not as much as I hate taking it down.

So I sucked it up and on Saturday we hauled the Beast out of the shed and assembled it. As I was putting the flimsy plastic stand together I noticed that one of the legs had a wee crack in it. I shrugged to myself, as I sometimes do, and decided that budget permitting I'd shop for a new tree after the holidays.

We got it up and together, put the lights on (despite two of my three strings of lights being half-dead) and started decorating. I put on the breakable heirlooms and got a box of unbreakable ones together for the kids to put on at their leisure. I noticed as I was hanging stuff on it that it was a bit wobbly, but it was holding firm and I didn't give it another thought, even on Sunday night as I headed off to church for religious ed.

But when I got home, I saw immediately that the tree was leaning up against the wall. Not a good thing. "Larry," I says, "the tree is leaning against the wall!"

"I know," he says and proceeds to 'splain that Bug put an ornament on the tree and the whole thing gave way and almost landed on her. So he leaned it against the wall pending further investigation and/or decoration.

We tried jerry-rigging the thing. The leg was hanging by a thread like a five-year-old's loose tooth, so I mercilessly pulled it and tried to find something to brace that fourth side instead. We tried a lunchbox....too high. And a stack of Interweave Knits didn't do anything to hold the tree in place either. I thought perhaps an old stand that I had in the shed for a real tree might work, but the "trunk" of the fake tree was just too narrow.

Now, when Larry is lifting the tree so that I can "fix" the stand, the trunk of the tree separates into two, then three pieces and many of the individually assembled branches have come loose as well and are floating around tethered by a string of half-dead lights and plastic beads.

I looked at the clock and announced that I was going to Walmart to get a new tree. I couldn't leave it in fifteen separate pieces all day. It would drive me mental, for one, and while Dave's shown no interest so far in anything tree-related, it would stand to reason that a tree collapsing on itself would prove just too tempting to resist.

We've discussed my luck, have we not?

So, much like the Epic Costume Fail of 2009 in which I abandon the girls' homemade costumes in favor of a late-night run to the Walmart, I pull on my mittens and schlep to Tilton in search of a new, adequate artificial evergreen tree. And one that doesn't cost too much, because we are beee-roke.

But as luck would have it, someone died last week.

I know that's an awful thing to say. It was far from lucky for the family. It was a horrible death, a horrible time of year, and if there's one consolation I take in singing at funerals it's that often times music says what words can't say, and I'm glad to be able to offer that to the family. It's a ministry, and it's mine, and it means a lot to me to do. I would do it for free anyway.

But practically speaking, funerals are a paid gig and to get one right before Christmas when money is needed but moths are flying out of my wallet is lucky for me and mine. Perhaps God knew that if the stand hadn't broken that I wouldn't have spent the money on a new tree and put that dangerous, broken, tippy one up next year again. Who knows?

So I got to the Walmart and looked at the selection and to replace the tree I had would have cost nearly a hundred dollars. Didn't want to do that. But there were some smaller 6.5 foot trees that looked pretty good--prelit to boot--for $35. Drawback: ain't no WAY my ornaments are all going to fit on that little thing, cute as it is.

Then Poops got an idea. An awful idea. Poops got a wonderful, AWFUL idea.

Well, not awful...frickin' brilliant if you ask me. I got the $35 shorter, thinner tree AND a 3 foot pre-lit tree for another $18. The little tree is for the kids to put the ornaments on that they make in school, and the ones that I give them every year for when they're grown and have trees of their own.

We put them up, transferred the decorations from the old tree to the new ones, and I have to say that having the two trees next to each other is such a unique look that I really like it quite a lot. I didn't plan it, but like my Epic Halloween Fail of 2009, I came away much happier with the costumes I cobbled together at the last minute better than what was planned in the first place.

And the girls can go to school and tell all their friends, "We have TWO Christmas trees!"

Yep, we're like the freaking Rockefellers!

This will have to be quick

...but then you like it that way, don't you? Yeah, you know you do.

Photo-heavy, 'cause that's what I promised and posting is cutting into my knitting time. I have a craft fair Friday night at Canterbury Elementary School, and Saturday from 8 - 2 in Sanbornton at the Old Town Hall. Prayers to whatever gods you worship that it's a profitable weekend would not go amiss. I just gave the Town of Bellymont a shitload of money for taxes and I'm still a bit queasy.

But here are the pix I promised.

First, three pair of felted mittens. My own mitten pattern adjusted for felting. The white and red pair are both from Patons Classic Merino and the green ones are from the lovely Elizabeth who called it "1970's Arnold Palmer Green" and that is what I always think of it as. The booties are a mix of Patons and Knitpicks WOTA leftovers and odds and ends.

Enjoy!

Yeah, yeah, yeah...

I know, I'm behind things with the postings and whatnot. But you're getting free Poops, and remember what they say about getting what you pay for.

First, some knitting content before I forget what the hell I've been up to. For starters, the matter of the backpack, or as I've come to think of it, A Tale of Twin Bags That Aren't.

Once upon a time, not so very long ago, I knit and felted a small bag for my BIL's wife. She wanted one just like mine and so I made her one just like mine and she lovedlovedloved it. Total birthday present hit. And as luck would have it, I had plenty of yarn left over to make another whole bag.

So I'm knitting along on SIL's bag and thinking the whole time, "This would make a cute backpack, I think. If I did this and this and this..." So, when the purse was done, I launched into the backpack version making the necessary changes as I went along and lo and behold, it totally worked.

I was PSYCHED, dudes and dudettes. There's nothing like thinking up something in your head and having it come out exactly the way you pictured it. Especially when felting, 'cause man, you just never know what is going to happen in washing machine!

So, utterly pleased with my success, I decided that I should write up the pattern. Now, the construction had changed completely with the backpack-making, so that wasn't a problem, but the stripe pattern is not my own so I thought I'd just make up my own unique pattern and then the whole pattern would be mine! Yay! I bought a big box of all different colors of yarn from Knitpicks and launched into a really cool but simple colorwork pattern. The results prefelted were exactly what I wanted and I could see that it was going to work just as I had forseen.

You see where this is going don't you? I know you're thinking "Poops is thinking too well of herself again. Pride's about to goeth before this fall."

You'd be right.

For you non-knitters that might still be following my narrative (or you knitters who are colorwork/felting virgins) yarn felts the long way. Like, if you were to take a piece of yarn a foot long and toss it in the washer, it would get shorter, not necessarily narrower. When you knit, the yarn still goes predominately in one direction, that is "the long way", so whatever you knit for felting needs to be a lot taller than it does wide, because it's going to shrink in length way more than in width.

Usually.

Unless you're doing colorwork. In colorwork, strands of yarn are carried along behind your work on the inside of the item. They run the "short way" or width-wise. Basically, those strands are going to shrink and cause the item in question to shrink more in width than in height. You live, you learn. I came out with a very long, very narrow backpack.
(I am aware that the picture posted sideways. I can't make it go t'other way. Tip your head to the left, it's easier...)

It's still pretty cute and I love how the colors came out. And when I described it to Yorkie she said I should call it the Quiver Bag since it is shaped like an quiver for carrying arrows. Which is what you could put in it. Or a couple of baguettes and a bread of wine. So behold, The Quiver Bag, by Poops. (The jury is out on whether or not I'll be offering this pattern or not. I mean, it's a success-from-failure kind of thing, but I just don't know...)

Now see it side by side with the pink stripey one. They started out the EXACT SAME SIZE pre-felted.

Let this be a felting lesson for you. The longer your floats on the back of your colorwork, the more it's going to shrink in width. Make a note.

I had a pantload of colored yarn left, though not enough for another bag, so I decided to apply my newly learned methods of pre-felting guesstimation to mitten making. I long ago perfected my own mitten pattern. I have the numbers for every imaginable size under the sun right up in my noggin. I never use a pattern anymore. So I figured I could adjust my own pattern to make them longer pre-felting and then see what happens. I worked in stripes as to avoid the horizontal stranding issues, and had at it. And I have to say, my first effort was far from horrible.

I embroidered a bare tree on it and stitched on the leaf buttons. I sold them at my last craft fair. Which emboldened me to tweak my pattern a bit where it needed tweaking and perfect it, and I think I've done it. I've got three pair ready for next weekend's back-to-back fairs and they are wicked cute if I do say so myself. One pair is green with embroidered sheep, one is red with embroidered and beaded snowflakes, and the last pair is winter white with jeweled leaves in amber and green. So I may indeed offer up my felted mitten pattern sometime down the road. I will also photograph the mittens in case they sell like a mofo and disappear. Which would be grand.

Finally, I made a couple of baby sweaters that are too cute not to share. The first is some baby alpaca I got at WEBS. The sweater is freakishly soft. Baby soft. Amazing, really.

This last one is from my own handspun and this quilted stitch pattern makes it extra "lofty" and I'm sure quite warm. It got lots of oohs and ahs from the looky-loos, but no takers. *shrugs*
It comes with a hat.

So that's all that's new. In my next installment I will share some new booties, the mittens, and I'm working on a really, truly awesome mitten idea that I CANNOT wait to start on. They're a Christmas gift though, so it may have to wait...

Feel Free to Get Your Teeth Out of My Ass

Am I wearing a sign that says "Just Screw Me"? Is it written on my forehead with Sharpie? Because sometimes it feels that way.

You know I'd rather walk a mile on my tongue than complain, but...

I've been trying to get a roof put on my house since April. I still don't have one. He has until the 31st to get one on or I get the money back that I paid him for the supplies. What do you suppose the odds of that are, huh? What do you want to bet I find myself in small claims court in November? You want to put some money on the date my insurance company decides to drop me for not having the roof done?

See, that's the way my luck runs. I get fucked over at every turn.

I'm the kind of person that gets into a line at the grocery store only to find that it's the slowest line in the store. I'm the gal that goes in to buy a sale item just to find out the the guy in front of me bought the last one, and no they won't be getting any more or issuing any rain checks, so sorry. I'm the person who gets a hell of deal on a pellet stove only to find two years later that the price of pellets has skyrocketed...and good luck finding any come Spring!

I once brought my car into the shop for a simple state inspection. It was running great--needed an oil change, but other than that it was great. I go to pick it up and the guy tells me Bad News: you have a broken something or other. It won't pass inspection without it, and it will cost you more than the car is worth to repair it. I told him I'd get back to him and in tears called my FIL, who is a mechanic for the State of NH. I asked him if it was something he could maybe find me some after-market parts for...and there was a pause on the other end of the line.

"What did he say was broken?" I told him what the guy told me about the something or other.

"When you look at it, does it lean to the right at all?" Nope.

"When you drive it, does it pull to the right at all?" Not a bit. It runs fine.

"Then there's no way your something or other is broken. You wouldn't be able to drive the car if it was." Really. "Really. Take your car to another mechanic, don't even mention the something or other since it's not even part of a state inspection in the first place, and get your sticker. Chalk the 20 bucks up to knowing better than to patronizing that particular car place again." Which I did.

Would that that experience was the only time I've been upsold at a car place. Here's a lesson for you, folks (especially if you don't have a FIL who is a mechanic): if they tell you that you need something else done besides what you asked for, DON'T GET IT.

Just prior to sitting down and venting my spleen about Things That Don't Go My Way, I called my Sister. She shares my opinion that I'm probably out 900 bucks, and to quote Han Solo (not that she would), "I've got a bad feeling about this."

Sister just had some guys come and blow insulation into her old house. They came when scheduled, did the job on schedule, and did just what they said they'd do with no additional charges. I pointed out that it would never have happened for me.

She laughed. "No, they'd have stuck the hose in and blown the plaster clean off the wall. Or you'd open the cellar door and have insulation up to the top step."

Yeah, if they didn't skip town with my check and head for Florida.

So, feeling better having vented to Sister--as I often do--I sat down to tell all y'all about this, and I see the reflection of the Lowe's truck in the back window. It's sort of my nosy-neighbor-rearview mirror-early warning detection system. I turn around and look out the front window and see that it's probably Sister's new washing machine (front load, high efficiency, fucking nice) being delivered. Only I just hung up the phone with her and know she's not home yet. So I run next door like Gladys Kravitz and let the guys in. ("Abner! They're delivering the washer and she's not home! Abner! Are you listening to me? It's the WASHER!")

Long story short, not two minutes after they did their job swiftly and efficiently and an hour ahead of schedule, Sister pulls in. I explained that it's all in, and I made if official by putting my old Jane Hancock on the delivery slip.

Of course if the hoses detach and start spraying water everywhere, we'll know who to blame for that, won't we?

This Kind of Thing is Totally My Bag, Baby

Check it:

For my SIL with the same name as me. Now we have the same bag too. Every time she sees mine she says she wants one, so for her 30th birthday she's getting one. I was amazed at how good it came out, and how much it looks like the original. It needs some de-fuzzing, but other than that it's good to go.

The specs--Pattern: "Baby's Got a Brand New Big Bag" free online; Yarn: Cascade 220 and one skein of Nature Spun Worsted (that'd be the darker green); knit on size 9 needles and felted for two cycles in the washer.

At least felting is safe.

The town is under a boil order from the state since "unsafe levels of the e. coli bacteria" were found in the municipal water supply. It'll be at least a couple more days until we're safe to drink again.

It's mostly an inconvenience. Remembering not to run your toothbrush under the tap, boiling up a gallon of water before using it for my ever-present pitcher of Crystal Light Iced Tea, remembering to keep my mouth and eyes shut tight in the shower, adding bleach to give the clean dishes a final bacteria-free rinse...by last night it was all quite tiresome.

But then at choir practice, as those of us who live in the village area kvetched a bit about our lot in life, Lillian reminded us that Doris' daughter is currently in Africa working with people for whom the daily pursuit of clean water is a life-or-death struggle.

It kind of put boiling a pan of water in perspective.