Ask Poops, Please

Putting my two cents in.

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Location: Belmont, New Hampshire, United States

Born and bred in a small New England town, I am convinced that I know something about everything, and that my opinion matters. If only to me. Well, you'll see what I mean. And I love to knit, so you'll see what kind of things I'm doing when I should be vacuuming the living room.

Saturday, February 27, 2010

Birthday Fail

From the annals of my ever-growing list of holiday fails, I present the lastest chapter.

It started when Sistah found this awesome cake pan on the Williams-Sonoma website. "How perfect would this be for Emmy Bo's birthday?!" she asked, gleeful that the PERFECT cake had been found.

If you've ever met Emmaline Beaudalaire, you would know that she's an Oreo FIEND. She is a wee chocolate monster, if you will. Naturally, her first choice for a cake would be chocolate, and to find a pan that makes an Oreo cake? Priceless. Plus, Grandpa's an Oreo hound himself and we could make it pull double-duty and get our money's worth.

Of course if any of you reading this are bakers, you can see where this is going. Take a good look at the pan. Yeah, that's a lot of pretty deep crevices there, my friend. You ain't kidding about that.

But I'm a good baker, if nothing else! I dutifully took my small pastry brush and worked soft butter into each and every groove and curve and detail. Then I liberally dusted it with cocoa powder and tapped off the excess just like the directions said to. I melted the butter and chocolate, whisked the ingredients, beat the eggs and sugar...I did it all to spec. I didn't vary one iota from the recipe on the box. I took it out when there were a few crumbs sticking to the toothpick and let it rest for 15 minutes before turning it out.

Here's what happened. The second one was worse and came out in no less than three pieces.

So I grabbed my coat and my keys and took 20 bucks from The Breadwinner and headed to the store. Laden with provisions, I snatched victory from the jaws of defeat.

Not every six-year-old gets a Birthday Trifle, but then since day one Emma Elaine's been...unique. A special "cake" for a special girl! Happy birthday my wee angel!

*** You want the recipe? Okay, first bake a cake and screw it up when turning it out of the pan. You can do this with brownies as well, or heck, even a cake that does turn out okay that you just lost your ambition to frost. Don't judge me, it happens. When it's cool, crumble it up and separate it into two neat piles. Make up a box of instant chocolate pudding. Whip up a pint of whipping cream to which you've added anywhere from a tablespoon to a quarter cup of sugar and a splash of vanilla. I go with soft peaks but that's how I roll. Now, put the crumbled up cake in the bottom of your trifle dish (or your sister's trifle dish, or a big bowl, whatever you got) and squirt some Hershey's syrup on it. Top it with half the pudding, then half the whipped cream. Now spread some crushed Oreos on top of that. (I was going with a theme here. This step is a good place for any kind of crushed candy bar as well...I'm partial to Heath bars and they come in convenient bags in the baking aisle.) Repeat with the second half of your ingredients, cover and refrigerate. Enjoy! Feeds enough for the whole Lord's congregation.

Saturday, February 06, 2010

Pants on Fire

What with all the lies?

Toyota: "There's nothing wrong with your brakes. Okay, well the gas pedal sticks sometimes. Well, more than sometimes. We're working on it. Here, have some new floor mats. That'll fix you right up. What? No? Hell, recall 'em all. But the Prius is fine. Who's on the phone? Steve Wozniak? The guy from Dancing With the Stars? Oh, and Apple computers, gotcha. Get rid of him. Well, what do you mean he might be right about the problem with the computer system. Okay, sometimes it makes the headlights turn off by themselves. But that's all. And there might be some acceleration issues. But that's it. Damn..."

John Edwards: "I did not have an affair with that woman. That there's my campaign worker's girlfriend. Why no it's not at all suspicious that she lives with him and his wife and children. Lots of married guys have their pregnant mistresses live with their family. Baby? What baby? Let me see that picture. Well, I don't know WHO that is. DNA? Love to take a test. She did what? He said what...WHAT BOOK? 20/2o? Tell George Stephanopolous I'm not here. Okay, well it seem that it i my baby but I didn't really lie about it. Much. Damn..."

Bob the Roofer: "I'll be there in two weeks. June. July. August. I got hurt. You're next on my list. I'll be there next week. What's this envelope from the District Court? She's suing me in small claims court? And I have to pay what I stole from her plus the court fees? Damn..."

Don't pee on my leg and tell me it's raining.

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