Ask Poops, Please

Putting my two cents in.

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Location: Belmont, New Hampshire, United States

Born and bred in a small New England town, I am convinced that I know something about everything, and that my opinion matters. If only to me. Well, you'll see what I mean. And I love to knit, so you'll see what kind of things I'm doing when I should be vacuuming the living room.

Monday, January 25, 2010


When your house looks like Toys-R-Us exploded on any given day, it stands to reason that from time to time you might notice something about said toys.

Today Dave and I were working on his hand/eye coordination by stacking wooden blocks. I was showing him the letters and pictures on the sides. "That's an M, for Mama. That's a bee! B...B... Bee!" Then I got to this one. What in hell is this supposed to be?

The closest I can think of is two candles in a candleholder. It doesn't make much sense, but if you turn it different directions it makes even less sense. "P...P...Podracer." You must train the padawan young, you know.

This is the other one that made me go "Huh?" I get that it's a house, but if that's a stovepipe coming out the side of it, how big is the stove inside? What purpose did sticking that pipe on there make artistically? Is it not still a house with no chimney? Would it have looked too much like a crayon wearing a pocket protector?


I've also finally taken notice of the differences between New Barbie and Old Barbie.

Some feminists got all het up because Barbie is a completely unrealistic body image for little girls. Now, I don't know about you, but in all my many years of Barbie-playing I never once thought, "Gee, my life would be complete if only I could look just like Barbie."

Au contraire. I discovered at an early age what I imagine fashion designers throughout the ages have: clothing looks better when the model is shaped like a coat hanger.

If it wasn't for Barbie's tightly honed waist and giant blouse bunnies I might never have understood either the concept or the execution of a well-placed dart.

But for those of you who haven't had the chance (because ostenstiably you don't have a Naked Barbie Orgy in your bathroom every day), check out the changes.

First of all, her head got bigger and her features are slightly more pronounced. She looks a bit older and a bit sluttier, I think. She's also less pink, which you might notice in the rest of pics. I attribute that to her years as an airline hostess. Too many nip bottles of vodka at 40,000 feet. Though if you had plastic businessmen groping you all day long when all you wanted to do was to hop into your pink Mustang, speed back to the Townhouse and slip into a nice hot tub, you'd be hitting the Stolis too. Not to mention the fact that if Ken had stepped up and made an honest woman out of her she wouldn't have to be schlepping drinks on the red-eye from Columbus in the first place. But she tries not to be bitter because that just causes lines, and let's face it: Botox can get pricey.

That's NB on the left, and OB on the right in case you're keeping score.

Second, her rack got smaller. Not a lot, but her back got wider in proportion. I bet she has a easier time buying bras now. (NB on the right this time, OB on the left...)

Third, I'm impressed with her waist. I like the bit of definition in the abs and the belly button. It makes up for her inabilty to do the Twist.

Check out her ass! That's a fine badonkadonk Barboo is rockin' these days! Honestly, you could bounce a quarter off it! If I stare at this picture long enough I swear it moves. Tell me that's not enough ass to get Ken to sit up and take notice. (Though I'm pretty sure Barbie gave up on Ken years ago and has been letting G.I. Joe hit that behind the dumpster at Stuckey's.)

Okay, her feet KILL me. I always loved how smokin' Barbie looked in high heels. I loved that she walked tippy toe when she was barefoot. I didn't even mind that she couldn't keep a pair of sneakers on. Now she' s got feet like a lumberjack. She's shopping for shoes in the tranny section. You can paint those piggies any color you want, those are some heinous looking Sasquatches.

That's all I have to say about Barbie. Other than you can't mix and match Barbie fashion anymore. New Barbie's too fat for Old Barbie's clothes. What message does THAT send? "I don't want to play with Fat Barbie! None of the clothes fit her and she has to wear G.I. Joe's combat boots!"

In other toy news, Dave got a new bike yesterday! In an ongoing effort to improve his musculature, his trainer Deb brought him this sweet ride-on. He's walking most of the time now and is steadier every day which is as always a mixed blessing. You know when they're just sitting in one place like a piece of furniture you don't have to chase them. Not to mention his ability and inclination to touch EVERYTHING. And if it makes a banging noise....sweet!

Please excuse his cruddy face. He had just finished his sister's Cocoa Puffs and they leave a residue. The wet shirt is from the constant drooling. Still working on one more canine tooth. I wonder how he doesn't dehydrate, honestly.

See that box in the rocking chair? Is it full of yet more children's toys? Nay nay. That's FULL of my Christmas yarn! Which counts as toys for me, and brings me up to my last item.

A new pair of pink and brown mittens for the shop. Unblocked as yet so this is just sneak peek. I need to talk my hand model into a photo shoot soon so that I can list a bunch of fingerless mittens and such in the etsy shop.

See, it might be a long lag between posts, but it's not like I'm not thinking thingish things.

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