Ask Poops, Please

Putting my two cents in.

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Location: Belmont, New Hampshire, United States

Born and bred in a small New England town, I am convinced that I know something about everything, and that my opinion matters. If only to me. Well, you'll see what I mean. And I love to knit, so you'll see what kind of things I'm doing when I should be vacuuming the living room.

Friday, August 22, 2008

I Do Still Knit. Really, I Do.

In my copious spare time.

In response to the reactions at craft shows and in my conversations on etsy, I've added some sweaters to the shop.

First, these two. Essentially the same, though I'm sure you sharp-eyed knitter/readers will pick out the differences. It's my own top down raglan pattern with the rolled hem option, both are sized for 12 months. I made these out of Encore Worsted.

The next three are of my new favorite yarn, Berroco Comfort DK. I can't describe how soft and squishy this is. Also, it's acrylic/nylon and washes and dries in the machine. I thought boxed layette sets would be good, so I made these. They're newborn sized and will come tissue wrapped in a gift box. I liked the more non-conventional baby colors. I thought they'd be more popular than pastels.

Probably won't sell any of them, but they're on sale in the etsy shop anyway.

I've also finished a gift for a fellow knitter that I'll unveil at a later date. It needs washing and blocking and I don't want her to see it here first anyway.

In happy news, school starts on Tuesday. Thank God!

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Knitty Boy!

He's knittin' hisself a sweater! He only looks like he's sleepin'...

Sunday, August 17, 2008

How'd You Get Here?

Apparently, if one was to Google the words "why are some poops larger than others?" you would be led here.

To answer your question, oh inquisitive Googler, I would guess the size of your personal poops has to do with what you eat, and how much and how often you poop.

I hope that helps.

Ask Poops, please!

(In case you were wondering what that was all about, if you look way down on the left there's a counter that keeps track of how many people come to visit me here. And if I click it and log into the site, it will tell me who came here and from where. Even more fun, it will tell me what Google and Yahoo searches led people here. Most are looking for a knitting pattern and find me because I've mentioned one by name. Some have pooping issues. I'm just here to help where I can, folks.)

So, how'd you get here?

Wednesday, August 06, 2008

Larger Than Life, or At Least the National Average

Both Bobo and Dave are big kids.

Bobo is 45 inches tall and 45 pounds, putting her over the 90th percentile for height and weight.

Daveareeno (Bobo's new name for him) is 13 lbs 6 oz and 24 inches long, also over the 90th percentile for height and weight.

Bug hasn't had her checkup yet, but she might break the giant kid streak. She's tallish, but skinny. You could snake the toilet with her. Not that I would. She's too cute.

Both kids are quite healthy and robust and passed their checkup with flying colors.

I asked about Bobo and her lack of potty training, and the doc seemed to think it was more a matter of her being a late bloomer than it was a serious issue. She did a physical exam and took a urine sample anyway, but said she looked good and the sample turned out a-ok so she has no urinary problems. She agreed that it is odd that she's trained with no pants on, but pees in her panties but seems to think that this is something that while annoying, will pass as most things do. Kind of a "when she's ready, she'll stay dry" kind of thing. Could be a matter of her taking control over one of the few things she actually can control. God knows why, but then who knows why 4 year olds do most things. They're odd.

She said she didn't think Bobo really needed a more detailed developmental exam, based on what she saw. No red flags were going off or anything, but since the tests are free and done through the school, it certainly couldn't hurt to have her tested. If I thought it would put my mind at ease.

I don't think it's necessary. I've seen all the lists of what kids are supposed to be able to do at what age, and she's right on par and even a bit ahead of the curve with some things. And other things she's where she usually is--within the spectrum of "normal" but on the far end. Like "the kid should have an expressive vocabulary of 50 - 100 words by 24 months", only Bobo gets to 23 months and 27 days without saying a word and then right before I'm about to think she's never going to speak, she starts pointing at things like Helen Keller at the pump and telling me the names of EVERYTHING in her world. All at once. Like she'd been saving them up all that time. Within normal operating parameters, but just barely.

So while she's old to still be having accidents, it's not unheard of and doesn't necessarily mean anything other than she's just taking longer than the average child to master this set of skills. Or she's figured out that it's something she can control and so she is. I dunno.

We had a major breakthrough today in that she asked to brush her teeth and let me guide her in doing it right! Usually it's a fight every day over brushing and I have to force her to do it at all, then I have to go in and brush them correctly. Needless to say, the thought of pulling all her teeth has occurred to me. After all, cutting off most of her hair has made hair brushing time a pleasure.

So the fact that she held the toothbrush herself and figured out how to hit all of her teeth AND didn't throw the toothbrush when I helped her get the right angle when she was having trouble is a huge step. It wasn't that long ago that I had to wrap her in a bath towel and pry her jaws open to do any kind of brushing at all.

Do you see what I'm dealing with? I think she'll be an amazing person someday. If ever I let her live that long...

Sunday, August 03, 2008


Oh, I am for sure now!
J. Jill had another employee sale at the DC (distribution center) this weekend and once again, I came away with a ton of clothes at rock bottom prices. And honestly, if you ever order something from this company and wonder "Hmmm, I wonder if this was worn by someone else and then returned and resold," only to have the thought of it squick you out, you needn't worry. I can't begin to tell you how strict the resell criteria are. The returns department is full of some of the most scrupulous inspectors EVER. And I should know. I know many of them personally! And I'm telling you, if a garment is returned to the DC and restocked, you can rest assured that it is in mint condition. Perfect. No trace of having been anywhere but on a rack, hermetically sealed.

The stuff I came home with is considered "Unsellable" by their standards and I swear to you that of the 9 garments I bought, not one of them is unwearable. Tiny fabric slubs, a small pull, a sense that the item has been washed or worn--any of these will take the garment out of commission. Even at the outlet store, you're getting first quality clothing.

But the warehouse sale just can't be beat. And this time they opened it to the public the day following the employee sale. I bet it looked like Filene's Basement in there. *poops shudders*

So I picked up (brace yourself) TWO CASHMERE SWEATERS for ten dollars each. That's right. Cashmere. Ten dollars. I'll wait while you collect yourselves.

In total I got 6 sweaters, 1 knit top, 1 pair of pants, and a camisole for $79.00. That's a retail value of $716.50 according to the tags.

It means a lot to be able to wear well-made, well-fitting clothes. Especially when the budget is so tight it squeaks. So to whomever came up with this idea--thanks!

Now, if it will just get cold enough to wear my new sweaters...

Summer's in the home stretch up here. We're at the peak of harvest season, corn is coming in, and tomatoes are just around the corner.

School starts on the 26th, and the outlet stores are having their "Back to School" sales. I went to the outlet mall looking for sleepers for Dave and did a quick perusal of back to school fashions. I'm so glad that Bug still fits into Oshkosh clothes for another year. I think it's the one place left you can buy clothes for an 8 year old that make her look like an 8 year old and not a child prostitute. Kohls? Forget about it. I almost wrote them a letter last year about the skanky collection of clothes they had for girls sizes 7 - 14. I was appalled. I'll sew her clothes myself before I shop for her there again.

I'm on a mission for new raincoats this year. Oshkosh had the cutest ones a couple years ago, but I think they were out in the spring and I missed them. Bug's going to need a new winter jacket, snowpants, and boots this year too.

All of which means I'm going to have to make new hats and mittens to match, dontchaknow? I hope I'm up to the challenge....*poops sighs dramatically*

But before summer is out, I'm on an ice cream making spree!

Last week's Flavor of the Week: Strawberry (with fresh strawberry puree and chunks of fresh strawberry) and Peanut Butter Cup (pure vanilla ice cream with chunks of Reeses Peanut Butter Cups).

This week's Flavor of the Week: In the freezer right now we have Chocolate Chip Cookie dough (vanilla/brown sugar ice cream with chunks of unbaked cookie dough), in the machine is Chocolate Oreo (dark chocolate ice cream with chunks of Double-Stuf Oreos), and on deck is Mocha Chip (ice cream made with real coffee and dark chocolate with bittersweet chocolate chips).

Mmmm, homemade ice cream. It's the best. It'll make you smile.

And speaking of smiles...

He's pretty cute, if I do say so myself. It's blurry because he was laughing and kicking and squirming all about.

Now, since it's Sunday, I'm going to tackle the Seven Deadly Sins meme. I wasn't tagged, but I don't care. I'm going to do it anyway.


1. Who did you last get angry with? That'd be the husband. Details aren't important, really. The kids piss me off regularly too. Actually, it could have been one of them this morning and I don't remember. It happens so often that I've quite forgotten about it. Hardly even registers much of the time.

2. What is your weapon of choice? Depends who I'm fighting. I try to use my powers for good.

3. Would you hit a member of the opposite sex? Yes. I'm tempted to hit members of both sexes all the time. I'd have to be pushed to it, though. I'd defend my loved ones and/or myself in a heartbeat. I'm not sure I wouldn't hit someone in the name of justice, even though I don't think it's right. As a rule, I try not to go around smacking random people, though. Even if they piss me off.

4. How about the same sex? Asked and answered.

5. Who was the last person who got really angry at you? Probably the husband. Probably around the same time I was really angry with him. It usually comes in pairs, you know.

6. What is your pet peeve? How much time do you have? I am a freaking bundle of neuroses. Gum chewing...any chewing, really. I can't stand to hear someone masticate. I won't watch that show on the Travel Channel with Andrew Zimmern because he makes the grossest noises when he chews. He could eat a steamy pile of dog shit for all I care, just CHEW IT WITH YOUR FUCKING MOUTH SHUT. Ugh.

Fireworks are becoming a pet peeve. I think they're great when they're organized and huge and people gather with their blankets and ooh and aah and then go home. However, that is where I draw the line. I am irritated all summer long by neighbors who think nothing of going out anytime after 10 and shooting off explosives in the name of fun. We have three fireworks stores within 7 miles of my house. There's no reason for it. It's a public nuisance.

I can think of lots more, I'm sure. Those are the two "pet" ones at the moment.

7. Do you keep grudges, or do you let them go easily? I'm pleased to say that I let them go easily. I didn't always, and I know I still have the capacity to hold a grudge until the cows come home. But I don't. By the grace of God, I've learned to let go. And my life is so much more peaceful because of it.


1. What is the one thing you're supposed to do daily but you don't? I refuse to floss. Sometimes I even forget to brush until later in the day. Sometimes I don't get a chance to brush until later in the day.

2. What is the lastest you've ever woken up? I've stayed up all night on more than one occasion, but in my partying days I'd sleep until noon or so. I don't count the times I was sick or jet lagged or anything like that that threw off my sleep schedule. I think I'm doing penance for that one now. Dave likes to get up most mornings between 5 and 6 a.m.

3. What's the last lame excuse you made? "I have to go take a shower now." I wanted to get off the phone and needed a nice way to say "I want to get off the phone so I can watch this movie and knit."

4. Have you ever watched an infomercial all the way through? I don't think so. I've watched large portions of them from time to time, though.

5. When was the last time you got in a good workout? For real, in the gym? 2003. Does working up a sweat putting on a pair of pantyhose count?

6. How many times did you hit the snooze button on your alarm clock today? Only twice, but he didn't stop crying so I got up and fed him...


1. What is your overpriced yuppie beverage of choice? I don't have one. I don't like overpriced yuppie beverages as a rule. I'm a sucker for the gigantic sweet tea they're offering at McDonald's these days, though, for 99 cents. Gluttony meets parsimony.

2. Meat eaters--white meat or dark meat? Both. It takes all kinds to make a world. Wait--are we talking turkey, or men? *poops shrugs* Either way, same answer...

3. What is the greatest amount of alcohol you've had in one outing/sitting/event? Well, there was that one time in college I drank an entire pint of vodka while playing Monopoly and threw up parts of my stomach lining all night long. But the most has to go to the year I spent Thanksgiving on the road in Scottsdale AZ. We started with mimosas and bloody marys by the pool in the morning, switched to margaritas all afternoon, had wine with dinner and ended with many, many cocktails in the bar after dinner. It was a booze-sodden day to be sure.

4. Have you ever used a professional diet company? Yes. Weight Watchers several times (lost 90 pounds the last time), Jenny Craig, (lost over 50 with JC) and Nutrasystem (lost 300 bucks buying completely inedible food).

5. Do you have an issue with your weight? No. I'm fat, I don't have an issue with it. I've been fat since the fourth grade to one degree or another. I'm pretty used to it. I do have an issue with my eating disorder, and I'm getting help with it. And not from a professional diet company.

6. Do you prefer sweets, salty foods, or spicy? Sweets first, then salty, then spicy.

7. Have you ever looked at a small child or a house pet and thought "lunch"? I don't think so. Apparently my gluttony has some limits after all.


1. How many people have you seen naked (not counting movies/family)? Completely starkers? Lots. I did costumes for a few years and most actors aren't real shy. Neither are drunk people. Nor is my my mother's boss.

2. How many people have seen you naked (not counting doctors/family)? Can we count movies here? Kidding...If we're talking in a lustful, lacivious way, I'd say four that I can think of off the top of my head.

3. Have you ever found yourself staring at the chest/crotch of a member of the opposite sex during a normal conversation? All the time.

4. Have you ever kissed two people in one night? Yes. And shame on you for wanting to hear the details...

5. What is your favorite body part on a person of the gender of your choice? It's hard to explain, but it's a spot on a guy's hips that if he's built is a well-defined ridge of muscle, kind of between his lower abs and his upper thigh. I'd have to point to it, I think...

6. Have you ever been propositioned by a prostitute? Not personally, but I was with someone when a drug addict on the street offered him a blowjob for 5 bucks. He turned it down.


1. How many credit cards do you own? None.

2. What's your guilty pleasure store? Patternworks.

3. Would you rather be rich or famous? Rich. I'd take fame too, if it came with money.

4. Would you accept a boring job if it meant you would make megabucks? Yes. Are you hiring?

5. Have you ever stolen anything? Yes.

6. How many mp3s are on your hard drive? 375 or so. Give or take.


1. What's the one thing you've done that you're most proud of? It's hard to qualify that with the thing I'm most proud of. I'm proud of a lot of things. I'm proud of stuff that I do without thinking--like being married nearly 10 years and raising three kids. I'm proud of stuff that wasn't that hard but was still an accomplishment--like earning a college degree or learning to knit. I'm proud of stuff I didn't think I could do, or do well, but do anyway--like singing in public or teaching a class. Lots of stuff.

2. What's one thing you've done that your parents are most proud of? Sadly, I can't recall ever hearing either of my parents actually tell me they're proud of me. For anything. I know they're pleased that I gave them grandchildren and appreciate the effort that goes with it. But I don't really know what's made them "proud" of me.

3. What things would you like to accomplish in your life? I'd like to have a career again someday, and preferably at a job where I can be creative. Heck, one that uses my degree might be nice.

4. Do you get annoyed by coming in second place? Not at all.

5. Have you ever entered a contest of skill, knowing you were of a much higher skill than all the other competitors? I don't think I've ever entered a contest of skill. That I can recall. If I did, I'd want to think I was of a higher skill than all the other competitors.

6. Have you ever cheated on something to get a higher score? No. Not even Scrabble.

7. What did you do today that you're proud of? I haven't killed my kids, even though two of them desperately deserve it. Though the day isn't over yet either.


1. What item (or person) of your friends would you like to have for your own? I covet a minivan. I envy the skills of others more than the stuff. Like the ability to play piano and/or guitar, a neat streak, the ability to eat only one cookie and not the whole bag, stuff like that.

2. Who would you like to go on Trading Spaces with? I wouldn't go on that show for a million bucks. They do the fugliest things to rooms on that show that I've ever seen. Truly hideous.

3. If you could be anyone else in the world, who would you be? Oh, I'd be me, but a better me. A thinner me. A prettier me. A more put-together me. A more tactful me. A more faithful me.

4. Have you ever been cheated on? I don't know. If I was, I never found out about it. Ignorance is bliss.

5. Have you ever wished you had a physical feature different from your own? I wish I had a smaller ass and bigger boobs. If they could figure out a transplant from one to the other, I'd sign up for it.

6. What inborn trait do you see in others that you wish you had for yourself? A charitable nature, the ability to see the best in other people. And patience.

Oh, and speaking of coming in first or second, we had our annual dinner last night for the 300 club at church. I won a free membership! (To be in the club, you pay for your membership. Then once a month they draw for cash prizes with big prizes at the end of the year at the free lobster and steak dinner. It raises money for the parish.)

Sweet! It's cool to win!

Friday, August 01, 2008

Locks of Love

Bobo has made her first charitable donation. First, Bobo before. Actually, wayyy before. This was at Halloween, some 10 months or so ago. I'm not good with math... Here she is getting a Major Haircut. You have to have a minimum of 10 inches of ponytail to donate. Bobo had four ponytails, ten inches each.
Her sweet baby hair! I fondled it a lot before putting it in the mailer. I'll miss it, but Bobo's will grow back and this hair will go to a kid whose hair won't likely grow back. I hope it makes a pretty hairpiece. I took a wee lock for a keepsake, though. I'll put it in her baby book with these pictures.
Bobo and Aunt Carla and her kicky new haircut. Sister says she looks like Ramona the Pest. FYI, Aunt Carla also cut Bobo's cord when she was born.
So now we feel light as a feather!

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