Ask Poops, Please

Putting my two cents in.

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Location: Belmont, New Hampshire, United States

Born and bred in a small New England town, I am convinced that I know something about everything, and that my opinion matters. If only to me. Well, you'll see what I mean. And I love to knit, so you'll see what kind of things I'm doing when I should be vacuuming the living room.

Friday, July 31, 2009

Wanna Hear Something Gross?

Of course you do.

I read a thread the other day about how "cool" it would be to make one's breastmilk into cheese, yogurt, or to use it in other consumable food products.

That alone was enough to make me gag. But then you know how I feel about lactivists.

If half the human population can do it, it's not a fucking superpower. Get over yourself.

But just to up the ante, yesterday I read that a woman from Seattle (naturally) made beer from, and I quote, "yeast from her lady parts." It's good to know that there's a use for the by-product of sleeping in underpants for a few nights in a row. It's not funky! It's starter for homebrew!

Yes, I'll hang on while you swallow that bit of bile that just came up. But you know, it's no weirder than eating breastmilk yogurt as far as I'm concerned.

So when I told Yorkie about the gag-me-with-a-spoon cooking-with-breastmilk posts that popped up unexpectedly, (I haven't told her about the lady-bit-beer yet--she's pregnant and her stomach might not be able to handle it yet) she told me that she has a cookbook with recipes made from semen. I shit you not a pantload. I swear to God it's the truth. Look for yourself...

Natural Harvest--A Collection of Semen-Based Recipes

The best part is the comments. Scroll down and read them...I laughed out loud. Let me share a couple of my favorites....

Steve O'Hara writes...."We raised 400$ for a church during the bake sale becuase people could not get enough of the cream cheese cookies we made. Thanks Semen cookbook!"

Fucking awesome. Here's another one.


*poops falls off the chair laughing*

A thoughtful question from Sam Post...."how long and you store cum for eating later and how should you store it?"

Excellent question, Sam. Thanks for writing. Though no one ever answered him. *shrugs* Maybe it's in the book.

But here's my favorite by far, actually two. Points and props for their creativity...

Rosie Palm says..."The Choked Chicken recipe is by far my favorite, hands down.
Some others I've tried and enjoyed are the Creamy Homemade Fudge, Weinerschnitzel, and Creamed Spinach. The Cumin Rub is also good to marinate your meat."

In the same "main" vein, Spanked Monkey listed his favorites as well...."These recipes are easy to make, even for cooking "new comers."
The Tossed Salad was a big hit at our Mens' Club Meeting. A slathering of Creamy Cucumber dressing really made the flavors pop."

That's all for today. I'm baking up a batch of homemade bread today (from homemade yeast no less!) with some Gar-lick Boy Butter on it and I gotta get churning...

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Poops On Tour

Here's where to meet Poops in person and snatch up some nifty knitted things...

Saturday, July 18--Sanbornton Old Home Day--11-3 at the Lane Tavern (or in the Town Hall in case of rain) .

Saturday, July 25--Canterbury Fair--9-4 in Canterbury Center.

Saturday, August 8--Belmont Old Home Day--9-1 in the St. Joseph Church parish hall, downtown Belmont

And I'm open 24/7 at!

Monday, July 13, 2009

Mutually Assured Destruction

So, y'all know how I still live in the same house in which I grew up, my motto being "If you live at home long enough, your parents will move out"?

Apparently, in some parts of existence, this is an odd occurrence. Some people find themselves elsewhere, some people run and never look back, and some people have to go where their heart or career or the wind takes them. There are people in my acquaintance who cannot fathom living in the same small town their whole life.

Luckily for me, many of my closest friends did not find this to be the case. With few exceptions, my buddies live in the same town, sometimes in the same house, right next door, or a mere few miles from where they grew up. We hang out together and have cookouts, our kids play together and go to school together--we still get along after all these years. We get together often enough--though it never does seem to be often enough--to continue making our history and not merely living in it.

So, a friend from HS who did get away from NH came home for a visit this past weekend. I told her (via the Facebook) that should she find herself in NH to give us a heads up and we'd get the gang together to hang out and catch up.

She did, and we did.

If there's one bad thing about getting together with my friends it's that I laugh so hard that it hurts. It doesn't matter how often we get together, or how seldom, we always have a great time.

What those of us who grew up together found out a few years back is that we all know something about someone that his or her spouse or children doesn't know. Amongst ourselves, the stories are the stuff of legend. The kind of stories that only get better with each retelling. The kind of stories that twenty years later could destroy marriages, damage careers, and cause mental scarring in those of a tender age. I'm not even sure that the statute of limitations has run out on some things.

I could keep you people in stitches for months with the things we did back in the day. Unfortunately for you, though, I have signed a pact of Mutually Assured Destruction. Well, not signed. It was more of a pinky swear kind of thing. Or maybe we just drank to it. I forget.

We're like the Superpowers during the cold war. Each of us has our finger on the button and is capable of raining down destruction from the skies. But we know the other guy has nukes too, and won't hesitate to fire back and go down fighting. And we have no problem with taking out the rest of the planet with us.

My friends are terrified that I have a blog.

And secrets.

And a penchant for exaggeration...or call it"embellishment", if you will.

And that I'm afraid I'll have a stroke someday from all the truly scandalous information I'm storing in my mental hard drive.

No worries, my friends. Your secrets are safe with me. Unless, of course, you shoot first, in which case it's going to be Global Thermonuclear War.

How about a nice game of chess?

Monday, July 06, 2009

I Know Where to Find a Serial Killer

This guy is currently wanted for questioning in the shooting deaths of five people in South Carolina. If you've seen him, contact your local authorities. They should know what to do. Hell, call the FBI if you want to.

Here's the guy.

And here's the thing. Every time I see that picture on the news, I can only think that I've seen him somewhere before.

I think they should at least question Kevin Costner, if only to find out why he never made a decent movie after Bull Durham.

The Durham Bulls are part of the Carolina League. Coincidence?

Saturday, July 04, 2009

Could It Be?

I just erased a blog post so boring it actually hurt.

Here it is, Reader's Digest version.

1. Kids are sick with two colds and one bladder infection. I'm coming down with aforementioned cold. Bladder is fine, thanks.

2. Roofing guy assures me that as soon as it stops motherfucking raining, he'll be buy to slap a roof on the dump.

3. It has stopped motherfucking raining for the moment, but thunderstorms and spot showers appear to be in the forecast for the next five days. Still, some sun is better than none.

That was much more efficient.

Okay onto the fun stuff.

I like to write, and sometimes I manage to come up with something other than a blog post so boring it makes the angel's weep. My problem with creative writing is that I never know what to write about. Well, did you know that if you Google "writing prompts" you will get just that? Seriously, it's true!

I entered a writing contest last month, squeaking in just by the deadline. The top prize is 500 UK pounds, which is a bit more than 800 bucks. A nice chunk of change, if I win. If not, it's nice to be writing stuff again.

So this cool writing prompt site I found, you roll your cursor over the numbers and a wee blurb pops up to tell you what to write. I closed my eyes, rolled my cursor and where it landed, that's my prompt.

My current assignment is "Write about the metaphor 'a plate of fear'."

Story in progress.

Anyway, while I was looking for writing prompts, I found this really cool thing called Wordle.

Here's what you do. Find something you've written, or someone else has written. Cut and paste the text into the Wordle box and hit "go". It makes this really cool collage of the words in the story, or paragraph, or chapter, or poem, or whatever you've cut and pasted. The more often a word is used, the bigger the word. The less it's used the smaller. And you can pick the font, the colors, the layout, all that stuff.

It's supposed to be a tool for writers to see how often they use certain words in their writing, but I think it just makes really cool collages.

Here's one I did:

Wordle: We the People

Happy Birthday, America!

Thursday, July 02, 2009

You Know I'd Rather Walk a Mile on My Tongue than Complain

It's been raining for almost an entire month.

Today it's POURING.

I can only hope for some localized flooding to make the damn rain interesting. The kids are sick of being inside. Hell, even I'm sick of being inside, and let's face it: I'm an indoor kind of gal.

I actually find myself wanting to go for a walk in the sunshine. (Quick, someone feel my forehead!)

Nothing dries. I'm starting to smell mildew. I'm scared for the tomatoes (though they look to be doing just splendidly.)

Until I've got enough sun on me to feel human again, enjoy this view of the lush tropical rainforest I'm growing.Doo doo doo, looking out my back window.

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