Ask Poops, Please

Putting my two cents in.

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Location: Belmont, New Hampshire, United States

Born and bred in a small New England town, I am convinced that I know something about everything, and that my opinion matters. If only to me. Well, you'll see what I mean. And I love to knit, so you'll see what kind of things I'm doing when I should be vacuuming the living room.

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

From One Over-achiever to Another

Today’s blog post will be spent attempting answer Sarah’s question. Sarah, aka “craftfetish”—a name I can totally get behind, by the way—is clearly an over-achiever because she commented not once but twice, and asked 10 separate questions.

I guess I’d better dive right in, then.

1. How come everyone is being so shy? Are you hiding all of the comments? Yeah, I am. I’ve been publishing them as I answer them unless you left your email address on it as requested. I wouldn’t publish that, so I’ve just deleted your question instead of answering it. So after I answer your question in a post, I either publish it and it appears with the original post, or I delete it and you only see it where it is answered. Clear as mud?
2. Also, how come the little elves don’t come and weave in my ends for me while I’m sleeping even though I ask them to? Good question. And if ever you see one of the little bahstads, you tell ‘em I’m looking for them, mmmmkay?
3. Furthermore, what will the next year of Ask Poops, Please bring? Hmm, hard to say exactly. Probably just a fresh, hot helping of the Poops you’ve come to know and love!
4. If a boy wearing Groucho glasses says “My name is Humpty…pronounced with an –umpty,” does the lame hip hop reference make up for the fact that he is wearing Groucho glasses? Depends. How old is this boy? If he’s four, I would kidnap him, adopt him, and raise him as my own. If he’s 8 or so, I’d laugh and laugh because that’s still just crazy funny. If he’s 15, I’d roll my eyes and make a disgusted noise in the back of my throat that sounds kind of like “ick” but without the clear consonant sounds. And if he’s over 18 I’d probably have to pepper spray him.
5. Is making a 0-3 month baby sweater going to guarantee that the kid outgrows it by week 2? Yes. Absolutely. And making the 3 to 6 month size guarantees that the child will not fit into it for 6 more months and by then it will be summer and it won’t need a sweater. Really, you’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t.
6. If it takes her 3 months on average to destroy something, what is the maximum number of hours I should spend on craft projects for my dog. Three hours and fifteen minutes. (Okay, I pulled that number out of my baloopa joes. You take as much time as you feel comfortable with. I mean that, now.)
7. Dogasaurus—mean or really funny? I’m going to have to go with funny, unless it means something I don’t know about. According to the Urban Dictionary, a dogasaurus is a really big dog, like a Mastiff or a Great Dane. I find most big dogs aren’t all that sensitive and can take it.
8. Do you think that the Special Theory of Relativity is really just the regular Theory of Relativity dressed up by a bunch of physicists who weren’t allowed in the secret clubhouse as children? Hmm. Is this a trick question? Because my Google-Fu tells me that Albert Einstein came up with both of them and published them in 1920 in Relativity: The Special and General Theory. And if you can’t believe Wikipedia, who can you trust?
9. Is Blogger just messing with me when I have to re-type the word verification thing? Can other people read those? I don’t know for sure, but it seems like every single time I type it in, I have to retype it, like I didn’t get it right the first time. Now, it could be I just suck at typing nonsense words, but I get the feeling it’s something in the system. Apparently, they’re screwing with both of us.
10. Have I exhausted your question-answering goodwill yet? Huh? Were you talking to me?

And I’m spent. But wasn’t that informative?

I keep forgetting to talk about something I found that has just amused me to no end. It’s called Blogging the Bible, and I can’t quite put my finger on why I find it so entertaining, but I do. It’s just this guy, a writer by trade, who decided to read the bible starting at the beginning and blog about it. I have found it oddly addicting. Surely there are more informative sites about the bible, but there’s just something fresh about his “I don’t know what I’m doing” approach to biblical commentary. And his retellings of classic Old Testament stories are just too funny.

And speaking of Old Testament classics, I’ve halted production on my ark again. The rain has let up a bit today and it looks like it’s going to be sunny and much warmer all weekend right into next week. But I’m not putting my tools away just yet. It rained until July last year.

This weekend, come hell or wet grass, I’m breaking out the barbeque. I’m making some thick, juicy steaks and homemade potato salad and I can’t wait!

And finally, I registered Bug for religious education classes next year. To us older-school Catholics, that’s what we used to call CCD (Catholic Children’s Detention) or catechism class. I’m seriously considering signing up to teach the Confirmation II class this year. Although the coordinator knows that I called a kid at the Confirmation retreat this year a dumbass, so we shall see.

Might put me on the fast track at that.


Blogger Penny Karma said...

Once I called someone a fuckin douchebag when they cut me off in the church parking lot after PSR.

I hope they let you and me sit together in Hell.

11:41 AM  
Blogger Cindy in Happy Valley said...

Here the "dumbass" comment would put you at the top of the list to teach CCD. You might even be considered enlightened!

Here's a question:

What the hell was Albert Einstein doing at my coffee haunt this morning? And he was using a cell phone!Isn't he supposed to be dead or is it like an Elvis sighting?

11:57 AM  
Blogger Bezzie said...

CCD! You just made me twitch!!!

12:08 PM  
Blogger chemgrrl said...

Catholic Children’s Detention--heh heh, that's a good one. When I was a kid, we called it Chicago City Dump (I'm from Chicago).

12:23 PM  
Blogger DancesInGarden said...

Hey. What is your actual email address anyway? Am I just an idiot, because I can't seem to find it ROFL. (Psst. It wouldn't be the first time I was being an idiot and it was RIGHT. THERE, btw). Anyhow, this comment has nothing to do with this blog.

I just wanted to say THE NORO IS HERE! I danced around the kitchen, petting it like a kitten while my family looked on pretending I was not a raving lunatic. Except the dog. She danced around with me, although she has no idea why we were so happy.

Thank you thank you thank you!

Krysta - aka Dances in Garden.

10:32 AM  
Blogger bradyphrenia said...

ooh, i love blogging the bible too!

i feel like i am reading the bible along with him, even though i'm really just letting him read it and interpret it for me. it still makes me feel good cuz i know i will never get through the whole bible on my own.

it's like cheating off of someone else's test and getting a good grade for it.

8:59 AM  

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