Ask Poops, Please

Putting my two cents in.

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Location: Belmont, New Hampshire, United States

Born and bred in a small New England town, I am convinced that I know something about everything, and that my opinion matters. If only to me. Well, you'll see what I mean. And I love to knit, so you'll see what kind of things I'm doing when I should be vacuuming the living room.

Monday, June 01, 2009

Hard to Believe It's June

Honestly, I'm freezing. It's in the 50's today and pretty breezy. I seem to remember at this time last year when I was hugely pregnant and overdue it was hotter than the hinges of hell, everything from the doors in my house to my fat sausage toes was swollen. Figures. I could probably be pregnant and comfortable this week.

So this weekend I put a railing on my porch stairs. Here it is.

That motherfucker pisses me off every time I look at it. Why? Because it doesn't need to be there. Not according to local building codes. Not in the opinion of the insurance company that has been covering this house for 41 years. But we switched insurance companies, and this company sent a monkey out to do our inspection. They signed on to cover us, then after the inspection canceled it due to disrepair--which they'd reinstate if we got stuff fixed. They started with four things, then added a few more for good measure when my agent called them about it.

Long story short, I got them down to three, one of which is the roof which I was going to do this summer anyway.

The second is the railing on the stairs. No one BUT the insurance company thinks I need it. Fuckers. Seriously, now that I have coverage, I have half a mind to burn this shithole down. I swear I'll stand in the yard and shoot the first son of a bitch that tries to put it out. If I could work my will, there would barely be enough left of it to pick up in a dustpan. And then, since they raised my coverage because it's an old house, they can build me a new one. One that doesn't have plaster falling down, a new furnace, decent plumbing, know, stuff like that.

Don't ever let anyone tell you that anything is "free". There's no such thing.

The third thing is I have to put clapboards up on the back side of the shed in the space above the woodshed. The woodshed that they called a "carport" despite the fact that you couldn't drive up to it without going over the lawn, and even if you got to it, a car wouldn't fit under it, no way no how.

Got 'em on that one.

But I still need to replace a handful of clapboards. Whatever.


Blogger Bezzie said...

I'm willing to bet if you can't climb six stairs without a rail---you shouldn't be climbing stairs. WOuldn't you love to be the person that comes up with these crazy rules? Where can I get that job?

5:55 PM  
Blogger Batty said...

Vinny the Torch is always looking for work, I hear, particularly in this economy...

Seriously, though, I agree with Bezzie -- would love to be the person who gets to make up all these rules! "Sorry, sir, it says right here you're not insured if you weren't wearing a pink tutu and flippers at the time of the incident."

9:34 PM  
Blogger SiressYorkie said...

Soooo...he wouldn't issue a policy without a handrail in place? Because a handrail is the thin blue line between safety and Untimely Certain Death?

Wow. How different the course of history would be if only there were more handrails. Waterloo, the War of the Roses, War of 1812...all coulda been thwarted by the prodigious use of handrails.

Who knew?

When at last our society falls into a steaming crater of filth and ashes, there will be cries of, Dear God, if only we'd had more handrails...! If only we KNEW!

2:34 AM  

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